Marriage Talk / Not a question of 'can I?' a question of 'Will I?'

Sunday, November 6, 2016

So here I am, writing about marriage again. 
Here was my last two posts on this topic if you fancy a nosy: 

I'm not going to lie I definitely feel a tad cheesy every time I contemplate doing so. 
I imagine what the thoughts of readers will be or of those that see the notifications go up on Facebook- 
'Who does she think she is, speaking on marriage?'
'Does she think she's suddenly an expert after 1 year of married life?' 

But the thing is, 

Bar loving Jesus & striving to live the life I was called for as a Christian, 
my marriage with Aaron is the number one thing in my life.

When contemplating, as a blogger, how much to share and how much to keep private, 
I realised that I will never settle for only showing you my best outfits, 
or my most perfect moments.

That even when I speak on 'inner strength' I always want my readers to know, 
that my strongest moments are in my most vulnerable times. 

Because I don't have it all together. 

To be honest, recently it feels I have more sh** days 
than I have good ones. 

And with all of that being said, I'm one year married, I'm not an expert
  I have SO MUCH to learn,
And I want people to know that. 

If this post for only one person is the only honest take on marriage that they 
will ever read or have access to, I consider that to be worth it. 

So here's my take & Aaron's will follow in a new post next week (stay tuned).

Why did I get married?

I didn't get married so I could have a wedding. 
I didn't get married so I could 'feel settled'. 
In fact, it's well and truly the opposite.
I got married because I new what craziness lay ahead for us both, 
and I wanted that craziness. 
I wanted to take those risks with Aaron that I knew we'd face somewhere along the line. 
I wanted to start that 'adventure' that everyone talks about, with Aaron. 
I knew I wanted to fight for Aaron. 
I knew together we could fight for what we so desperately stood for in our faith. 

I knew there was something much more to getting married than 
what the 'happily ever after' stories show you. 
Or -
On the contrary, I knew there was much more to be had in marriage than 
what the cynics had to say about the matter. 

I knew no other human being would ever truly see me for me as much as he did. 

That's why I got married. 

It's not a fairy tale. 
It's so unbelievably rough sometimes. 
Any honest person in a marriage will say that. 
It's not something to take lightly. 

But then again it's not something that needs to be perfect either. 
Yes it's one of the most significant relationships anyone could ever have,
 but that doesn't mean to say it will be easy, or happy or perfect. 

It isn't something to do because you want the sense of 'achievement' either - 

Let me tell you, if you think standing in that church (or where ever you imagine your wedding to be), saying those vows and walking out under a cloud of confetti will be that moment of accomplishment and 'achievement' you're hoping for, it won't be. 

The achievement comes when you're sitting on the bathroom floor (speaking from experience) in floods of tears, having thrown your phone down on the tiles and smashed it to smithereens, feeling that excruciating pain in the pit of your stomach that feels worse than following a pilates ab work out,  and you've hit that wall

You've had a fight, your other half has said some things you feel you can never forgive, 
you've said things you feel you should never be forgiven for. 

You're in that place where you know you can push through, as painful as it would be to punch through the wall, you know you can muster up the strength to do so, smash it, and crawl through. 

However, you're asking yourself 'do I want to?'. 

You see, I've realised, it's hardly ever a case of 'can I?', in a marriage, 
it's most often always a case of 'will I?'

When things get difficult, the 'want to' dwindles, 
we get tired, we get bruised, we get sick of the battle. 
The 'want to' is challenged. 

This where the concept of commitment really starts to take it's course. 
When you do everything you possibly can to uncover the desire to continue, 
from under the rubble. 

Because when you want to push through - you can and you will. 

The question isn't can I? It's, 'will I?'

Here's the thing,
when you do, you've gained ground in your marriage, and that's the achievement. 

The achievement doesn't come in the happily ever after, it comes right after that fight, when everything feels like it's collapsing on top of you. 
When you begin to fight your own selfishness, your own pride, your own insecurities, your own anger, your own frustration, your own survival mechanisms, your own obsessions and addictions. 

You fight the immense hurt you feel that's temping you to give up. 

When you believe in the kind of love that shows up despite the hurt you've endured. 

That's the kind of love a marriage was made for. 
The wedding day won't magically give you that. 
We make it happen. 
It is what holds our marriages up. 

This is marriage. 

And I firmly believe this love first came from Jesus and still permeates this world today. 

There is no marriage without this kind of love. 

What gives me the strength for this love? 

It's because I think of when Jesus was ridiculed right before dying on the cross for us. 
He still went ahead with the sacrificial act of love 

- despite the ridicule. 

I think of the women who's disease caused her to forever bleed, and so was cast out of society, being given the identity of 'dirty' and 'untouchable', I think of how she reached out to Jesus while battling a huge crowd of people, in the faith that if she could just simply touch his cloak, she would be healed. 

She was healed. 

But I think of how it didn't stop there, Jesus stopped in His tracks, He knew His cloak had been touched and He knew why, and when He asked who and the woman spoke up - 
The key thing to me is this, he wasn't swayed by society, in that moment, he spoke directly to her 'your faith has healed you'.
Not only was she healed, but Jesus stopped in His tracks for her. 
The crowd of people following Him didn't matter, 
the labels of 'dirty' 'outcast' 'untouchable' placed on that woman's life didn't matter to Him, 

- SHE mattered to Him. 

The moment my husband matters to me, despite everything else. 
When HE matters more than any challenges in the way - 
is the precise moment when the question of 'do I want to?'
 is answered and when I can say 

- 'I will'. 

Ultimately to me, the love that the Bible speaks of, that salvation is based on, the love that is a life changing, world changing love, is the love that marriage is also based on. 

When I got married I knew this a little, I now know it a lot more. 

I signed up to a marriage with this kind of love, and without it,
 my marriage wouldn't be what I believe it is destined for. 

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